A hole in one

Posted by on June 26, 2006

The lads from Derry AND a hole in one…

Played golf today at the Golf and country Club Saint Donut, Grasse (pronounced donarrr not donut, you know the one with the hole), and I know I am prone to exaggerate but just sometimes my tales are true. I actually got a hole in one at the twelfth, JS was pig sick, then gave me a big smakaroo, so did the French male opposition, so did the following foursome, etc, etc,and so did all the unknown players in the golf clubhouse, after the (now,skint JS) champagne handouts. My only regret is that I can’t tell my lovely Dad.xx JS reckons he already knows, and it was he that probably played the shot!

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I am composing this short (that will be the day!) email from JS’s laptop sitting by the pool.” what a little show off” you may say, but if you could just see the level of electric expertise it’s a wonder I am here at all.”Ok, Nessie, you can now do your round robin thingy whilst sunbathing at the same time, I have sorted it all out by myself!!!” just a quick observation, I have 12extention leads, 8 uk to fr converters, insulating tape and sellotape binding the lot together, and a junction box that will apparently not fuse me or the precious equipment in case I get hit by lightening! Oh yes, I am of course surrounded by 10, 00 litres of water!

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Talking of the latest JS plaything, we are now on skype. Many hundreds of hours are spent by JS when he cannot cope with watching “casualty” or eastenders! But, what I didn’t realize is that you can be on this skit, I mean shit, no that’s not right either, anyway, you can be chatting away and the person may be there but we have no visual contact! so, having done my early morning 40 lengths, in my altogether, no one staying at present, I wander into the study and am searching quite happily for a telephone number, when this voice comes thundering out of a blank screen,! Good pair of tits nessie!” thank god the screen is at waist level! Thanks Mike!

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All three dogs have had their usual grade one haircuts; they are now totally unrecognizable, cooler and look like gremlins. Hugo continues to hover up all the mulberries, stuffs himself silly, collapses when full, has enormous wind, obviously has awful tummy ache, Tash gives him a rennie and its back to the hovering again.

For some reason this year a lot of the vines have died off, know-all JS thinks it’s the root vine weevil, but no one really wants to know, any suggestions?

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Had a memorable few days playing with Joe Jordan, golf that is, at St Endreol.After entertaining the lads, playing with them, and scoring a mean 32points, after some considerable thought, meetings etc, I was asked by their leader, the great white shark, alias Norman Derricot that my name may be put forward as a possible future member of the Polar Bear Trophy Cup. The first woman to be asked, probably because no other woman wants to join anyway. I am honoured, honest Norman)

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Great friends, Geoff and Nancy stayed with us a few weeks ago. having compiled a long list of jobs for them, including dry stone walling, they arrived to announce that they both had a virus and could do nothing at all except swim and sunbathe!, why on earth did they come!!! anyway, during the second night, we awoke to the sound of leaking water, not sure if our virus lot had not turned the taps off, JS decided that since they were both past 69 that perhaps they had gone outside to do a pee so as not to wake their mate However after ten minutes, we both felt even a full bladder should have finished by then. It turned out to be a leaking fertility fountain. 

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I spent a magnificent few days in London with Chantal, we had tea at the Ritz, saw sleeping beauty at the royal opera house, visited the Tate to view Constable (see, I am not just a dumb blonde, I am educating myself)  The hotel had a 250metre pool in the basement. So,keen on burning off the scones and clotted cream I ventured to the pool at 7am (thought it was 8am French time) not looking a pretty sight, hair resembling a haystack, glasses on, toiletries in a tesco bag, I quickly entered the lift, pressed the pool button and the lift went down one floor, opened its doors and in got 6 of the largest smorsborg ladies I have ever seen. Not sure who was most scared, them looking at the hair or me looking up at them. Doors shut, and then nothing. A moments silence followed by the 6 aforementioned having a fit. Every button was pressed, then a voice was heard over the panic button, you are too bloody heavy for the lift, 2 of you must exit now! Whereupon the doors opened and they all looked at me! 10 of me wouldn’t make one of them, but I got out all the same, can’t argue with this lot, I may end up on the cold buffet.

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Tash had a sleep over in tents in the garden for her birthday. Usual affair, 4 girls, 7 men and 2 tents.Js was up all night checking on the proceedings! And I cooked them a massive spagbog .had a large glass of the local plonk, kissed every one of them at least twice, and went to bed.

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Unlike you lot, we have to collect our post from an appointed spot, carefully selected by the French postal service to be at least 2kilometers from your maison, usually behind wasp infested poubells, and so small are the boxes that my vogue magazine won’t fit into it! However, I take this opportunity to drive past the French equivalent to Alan Titchmarsh, when it comes to growing vegetables. I have to stop to admire, or even gloat at the size of his cucumbers and giant toms. I have noticed that he speaks to them in French, so I have consulted my French guru on how to introduce oneself to the veg,as long As I don’t have to do the kissy bit. Anyway,as well as having giant whatsits, this l’homme has a terrier/beast that protects his veg, and  MY post box. I have exactly 8 seconds to leap out of the car, turn the key in the box, grab the contents before the terrier cross rottweiller (what parents produced this little number) before it leaps for the thigh (it’s a big jumper!). With nashers gleaming, frothing with delight, thingy erect and tail assisting in the direction of the kill. This is surely an opportunity for Mr J S Shipman.

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Went to see Emma and the new baby in Montpellier last week JS used this opportunity to sample some of the locally farmed oysters, having just had the hrt sex implants updated by my Mr Jordan, this aphrodisiac (the oysters that is!)Were about to be given a true test. He downed 10, looked white as a sheet and then threw the lot up! What a waste!

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Last night was the fete de music. Every village celebrates this with numerous “musicians” setting up their instruments and playing well into the small hours. However, this also means that despite the rare appearance of the Vanessa mae’s we also have Victor Hugo, aged 90,stone deaf and who obviously only took up recorder for a term. But he had a go, bless.

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Tash has just spent a week windsurfing in Embrun as part of her French state school curriculum. Was a bit peeved at first because she thought they were learning to sail catamarans, it was an all girl venture and she was missing Squidgy. (Not her mother, note!)But all was resolved when on her second attempt to sail across the lake, hopelessly out of control, she collided with an obstacle, disappeared into the depths, surfaced ready to give this obstacle what for, when she was greeted by an Irish 17 year old “man” from Derry, also on a weeks windsurfing course. From then on, she managed 100% to sail to the other end of the lake to “join” the obstacles.

All my love Our Lady from France. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS:

Cag.sorry I forgot the coffee morning, but the teeth whitening kit had preference!
Kate. Tried the “dipping” into a bucket of bleach instead of using the kit, but it just burnt the eyebrows instead. Have a great holiday in the Italian sticks.
Tessa. Still love you, despite the fact that you stole my perfume and JS tweezers!
D and Al. bet you £1000 that you haven’t booked to have the tonsils out yet? You are going to pick up H aren’t you???? Love the Witch xx
P and J.Thank you so much for entertaining us both so royally, and it was lovely to see Yannik,Lisa and Pippa, not to mention the Edg.crowd.we have sent a little pair of bikini bottoms for Amelia, to get her started early on the sun worshipping bit,factor50 on of course.
Pip and June. I have a competition with Jill, on who can grow the biggest toms and cucumbers. Any secrets I need to know… (Email me not Jilly) xxx
Jill. Don’t read the above.
Mike and M.Bring, suntan lotion, mosquito repellent, sting cream, driving licence and high baked water biscuits! If weight is the problem, bring the HBWB and leave the rest.
Buzz. Does this mean you are older than me now? So I suppose I could cook for your 60th before you HAVE to do mine!
Mike M. any time you need the student to give you some advice on the golf front, just come on over.xxxxx
Peter M .Just so lovely to see you after such a long time, your just as good-looking as always.(sorry Anne xx)
Robin. Thank you for the support and you look just as young and good-looking as well.xxx

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