Diversions

Posted by on April 8, 2013

St Blaise

March 2013

Diversions.

Diversion in Callas

Dear all,
“How much space have we got Nessie?”
“6inches”
“So, is it still 6Inches?”
“No, 6cms now and getting closer!”
“Stop, stop!”
“Bugger, we will have to reverse”

The Mayor of Callas, Madame Francoise Barre, has announced to the world that after numerous complaints of unacceptable smells billowing out from the depths of this very pretty village, that the drains must be sorted… Like so many decisions in these parts, actual work commencing could take years. Committee meetings, church council meetings, residents voting, but no actual thought of how long the work may take, estimations yes, but these are the French, late morning starts, long alcoholic lunches, absolutely no work may commence on wet days, Mistral windy days, possible snow storms, market days, bank holidays (there are 10 in May!) so this simple job could reach the 22nd century!

However, work has suddenly started, contractors selected, from the North I understand, they work harder and do not worry about the Mistral. Major problem is the person in charge of diversion signs. It clearly is his/her first attempt at such a challenge. God help us if this person ever becomes the traffic engineer anywhere else other than Callas.

Stage 1. Paper diversion signs in paper are first erected everywhere, obviously done by the local primary school in their art lesson, followed by more rain in the last two months than for the past two years! Signs dissolve, traffic jam.

Stage 2. Board signs erected, but some of the paper signs have survived, so we have possibly two paper signs and one board sign competing with each other.

Stage 3. One way traffic through the village. A Blue Peter wooden structure designed by Valerie Singleton to determine if your vehicle will pass the size test, because what follows hidden, round the corner is an exceptionally narrow stone aperture, totally unforgiving to anything that has not passed Valerie’s size gauge. Now, what does one do if you cannot get your van through the first obstacle, get your mate to hop out and just raise the bridge, or move it sideways, quite a simple task actually, it only weighs a fraction. Then trundle along, until the real problem raises its ugly head! If you’re bored, it really is worth taking your sandwiches and a little vino, and perhaps a deckchair at about 11.55am.and set up your prime position by the bridge. A French man late for his mid-day lunch and trying to size up his success rate of getting through this one way system is well worth observing. One driver actually got the bridge jammed on the roof of his pick up but continued regardless, can’t possibly be late for his wife’s boeuf bourguinon!

 -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

My lovely sister in law noticed a strange skin eruption on her shin a few months ago, so into action I go and book her a rendezvous with the local dermatologist. 3 months wait. Meanwhile, I take photos, couldn’t quite bring myself to taking a swab! and sent it off to our UK  world famous dermatologist. She was most impressed with my Testino level of photography, and quickly diagnosed Gilly’s problem.

We set off for the appointment, armed with an entire photo shoot, an IPhone video and back up if all else fails photos and videos on my new Ipad! Oh yes, a Google translation of the metamorphosis of exhibit 1 during the last three months.

Dr Pascal was so impressed, or so it seemed, but couldn’t stop giggling?? He told us that he had been working for 30years, about 30 patients per day, and had never had such an informative diagnosis, along with a picture diary for what he reckoned was a WART!!! “We will zap that off in a flash”

Gilly lay on the couch, I reassured her that it won’t hurt; the doc will anaesthetize the area, and then gently remove the WART! How wrong I was. Claude P. disappeared for a few moments, and returned wearing enormous eye protectors with I presume magnifying lenses inserted, and dragging, honestly, this enormous red tank towards our Gilly. He then twisted the lid, and white fumes erupted from this cauldron. It was like a scene from Macbeth.

 “I’m off Vanessa! Screamed JS.
“Keep still Madame Hutton, this won’t hurt.”
“What about the anaesthetic?”

He then poked a two foot stick into the liquid nitrogen, withdrew it and whack, straight onto the offending growth. I thought I was going to throw up, and I wasn’t the patient. Several seconds later, when the smell of burning and fumes had disappeared, no more wart! Gill had passed out!

 -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Recently did a few nice airport runs, so we thought we would combine one of them with a visit to Italy, only 40mins from Nice to the Italian border. Perfect weather, a pasta lunch, followed by a visit to the Toirana Grottos. Stayed the night in a very pretty town Laigueglia and walked along the beach to the local bar for a cocktail before more pasta. I asked for a Martini, my Dad loved these, but it proved to be a little difficult. The elderly barman finally found the Martini bottle, but must have thought it was out of date. So he poured himself a large glass and downed the lot. Dissatisfied with the quality but not the quantity, he bought out another bottle, and another and another, sampling each one as he did so. Then his mates arrived, all in their 80’s, who were asked what they thought of the various samples. We must now have at least 20 glasses on the bar, and 10 drunken Italians, and me not yet served! JS served himself and I joined in with the sampling!

 -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Keeping fit with the Crawford’s, remember Colin, the one who sent his wife into the swimming pool in December in her wet suit to mend a leak? They suggested cycling, because THEY have state of the art racing bikes, complete with a padded seat, 20 gears, weighing a few kg’s if that, and streamlined helmets!

I have a bog off, purchased many moons ago, no gears, weighing 200kgs, no streamlined helmet but a very pretty pink tinkerbell bell.

“We’ll start off gently today “says Colin, “just a 7mile circuit!”

The Crawford’s leap ahead of the Speers, JS follows closely, but Olif is failing miserably. No gears, no bright coloured silky go faster all in one suit, but even worse, no padded knickers! I cannot begin to explain the agony that I was experiencing down under! I lost the will to live, Crawford’s and speedy spuggie out of sight, this was not good.

Val explained after this disaster, that the secret to all successful cycling tours, is to buy oneself the best on the market, reinforced double padded knickers, and even two pairs often do the trick…now she tells me!

 -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

 The imminent wedding.

 Tess has now become an expert wedding planner, invitation designer, florist, and bride to be. As well as curing patients with speech problems, driving through the snow for her domiciliary care, and ringing her Mum daily to give me a progress report. I just wish I was living closer, but JS tells me that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with her, Cheek!!

Tash is one of the bridesmaids, dress organized, hair appointments booked, so now all we have to do is get the mother of the bride kitted out. Trying to explain to JS that I may have to break the bank on this one darling, and it must not be the same outfit as Bill’s wife, what a disaster that would be! If anyone out there could do a bit of spying, I would be eternally grateful, just a suggestion of the colour may help! Come on Honor, Janet and Cag, I know you could do this!

 -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Truffle season here, those unbelievably rare and expensive little black or white mushrooms, dug up by well-trained pigs or dogs. Not to be mistaken with the deadly variety, a simple omelette with these buggers could put an end to breakfast or life forever.

 -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Tash takes her finals in May, business and marketing degree, and has been offered a job at Bergon, the gardening company that has sponsored her throughout her course. Her boyfriend Franklin also works with Bergon, so between the two, mummy gets a damn good discount on sprinkling systems and electric fencing!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Had a golf lesson with Frank last week, told to rotate more, follow through and concentrate! Managed to crack the game after this, for at least 10 minutes, but was then told that Frank was leaving as the golf pro and setting up a restaurant, I can’t have been that bad, surely?

 -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

So that’s it folks, off now to practice the “follow through”, and I have sent this out to you all on a Sunday night, because it’s either listen to Sunday songs of praise or read my blog with a large glass of wine, have a few giggles and set the week off with the latest from olif.Is there a choice?

All my love

Olif. xxxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

St Blaise

March 2013

 

Diversions.

 

 

Dear all,
“How much space have we got Nessie?”
“6inches”
“So, is it still 6Inches?”
“No, 6cms now and getting closer!”
“Stop, stop!”
“Bugger, we will have to reverse”

The Mayor of Callas, Madame Francoise Barre, has announced to the world that after numerous complaints of unacceptable smells billowing out from the depths of this very pretty village, that the drains must be sorted… Like so many decisions in these parts, actual work commencing could take years. Committee meetings, church council meetings, residents voting, but no actual thought of how long the work may take, estimations yes, but these are the French, late morning starts, long alcoholic lunches, absolutely no work may commence on wet days, Mistral windy days, possible snow storms, market days, bank holidays (there are 10 in May!) so this simple job could reach the 22nd century!

However, work has suddenly started, contractors selected, from the North I understand, they work harder and do not worry about the Mistral. Major problem is the person in charge of diversion signs. It clearly is his/her first attempt at such a challenge. God help us if this person ever becomes the traffic engineer anywhere else other than Callas.

Stage 1. Paper diversion signs in paper are first erected everywhere, obviously done by the local primary school in their art lesson, followed by more rain in the last two months than for the past two years! Signs dissolve, traffic jam.

Stage 2. Board signs erected, but some of the paper signs have survived, so we have possibly two paper signs and one board sign competing with each other.

Stage 3. One way traffic through the village. A Blue Peter wooden structure designed by Valerie Singleton to determine if your vehicle will pass the size test, because what follows hidden, round the corner is an exceptionally narrow stone aperture, totally unforgiving to anything that has not passed Valerie’s size gauge. Now, what does one do if you cannot get your van through the first obstacle, get your mate to hop out and just raise the bridge, or move it sideways, quite a simple task actually, it only weighs a fraction. Then trundle along, until the real problem raises its ugly head! If you’re bored, it really is worth taking your sandwiches and a little vino, and perhaps a deckchair at about 11.55am.and set up your prime position by the bridge. A French man late for his mid-day lunch and trying to size up his success rate of getting through this one way system is well worth observing. One driver actually got the bridge jammed on the roof of his pick up but continued regardless, can’t possibly be late for his wife’s boeuf bourguinon!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

My lovely sister in law noticed a strange skin eruption on her shin a few months ago, so into action I go and book her a rendezvous with the local dermatologist. 3 months wait. Meanwhile, I take photos, couldn’t quite bring myself to taking a swab! and sent it off to our UK  world famous dermatologist. She was most impressed with my Testino level of photography, and quickly diagnosed Jilly’s problem.

We set off for the appointment, armed with an entire photo shoot, an IPhone video and back up if all else fails photos and videos on my new Ipad! Oh yes, a Google translation of the metamorphosis of exhibit 1 during the last three months.

Dr Pascal was so impressed, or so it seemed, but couldn’t stop giggling?? He told us that he had been working for 30years, about 30 patients per day, and had never had such an informative diagnosis, along with a picture diary for what he reckoned was a WART!!! “We will zap that off in a flash”

Jilly lay on the couch, I reassured her that it won’t hurt; the doc will anaesthetize the area, and then gently remove the WART! How wrong I was. Claude P. disappeared for a few moments, and returned wearing enormous eye protectors with I presume magnifying lenses inserted, and dragging, honestly, this enormous red tank towards our Jilly. He then twisted the lid, and white fumes erupted from this cauldron. It was like a scene from Macbeth.

“I’m off Vanessa! Screamed JS.
“Keep still Madame Hutton, this won’t hurt.”
“What about the anaesthetic?”

He then poked a two foot stick into the liquid nitrogen, withdrew it and whack, straight onto the offending growth. I thought I was going to throw up, and I wasn’t the patient. Several seconds later, when the smell of burning and fumes had disappeared, no more wart! Jill had passed out!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Recently did a few nice airport runs, so we thought we would combine one of them with a visit to Italy, only 40mins from Nice to the Italian border. Perfect weather, a pasta lunch, followed by a visit to the Toirana Grottos. Stayed the night in a very pretty town Laigueglia and walked along the beach to the local bar for a cocktail before more pasta. I asked for a Martini, my Dad loved these, but it proved to be a little difficult. The elderly barman finally found the Martini bottle, but must have thought it was out of date. So he poured himself a large glass and downed the lot. Dissatisfied with the quality but not the quantity, he bought out another bottle, and another and another, sampling each one as he did so. Then his mates arrived, all in their 80’s, who were asked what they thought of the various samples. We must now have at least 20 glasses on the bar, and 10 drunken Italians, and me not yet served! JS served himself and I joined in with the sampling!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Keeping fit with the Crawford’s, remember Colin, the one who sent his wife into the swimming pool in December in her wet suit to mend a leak? They suggested cycling, because THEY have state of the art racing bikes, complete with a padded seat, 20 gears, weighing a few kg’s if that, and streamlined helmets!

I have a bog off, purchased many moons ago, no gears, weighing 200kgs, no streamlined helmet but a very pretty pink tinkerbell bell.

“We’ll start off gently today “says Colin, “just a 7mile circuit!”

The Crawford’s leap ahead of the Speers, JS follows closely, but Olif is failing miserably. No gears, no bright coloured silky go faster all in one suit, but even worse, no padded knickers! I cannot begin to explain the agony that I was experiencing down under! I lost the will to live, Crawford’s and speedy spuggie out of sight, this was not good.

Val explained after this disaster, that the secret to all successful cycling tours, is to buy oneself the best on the market, reinforced double padded knickers, and even two pairs often do the trick…now she tells me!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The imminent wedding.

Tess has now become an expert wedding planner, invitation designer, florist, and bride to be. As well as curing patients with speech problems, driving through the snow for her domiciliary care, and ringing her Mum daily to give me a progress report. I just wish I was living closer, but JS tells me that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with her, Cheek!!

Tash is one of the bridesmaids, dress organized, hair appointments booked, so now all we have to do is get the mother of the bride kitted out. Trying to explain to JS that I may have to break the bank on this one darling, and it must not be the same outfit as Bill’s wife, what a disaster that would be! If anyone out there could do a bit of spying, I would be eternally grateful, just a suggestion of the colour may help! Come on Honor, Janet and Cag, I know you could do this!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Truffle season here, those unbelievably rare and expensive little black or white mushrooms, dug up by well-trained pigs or dogs. Not to be mistaken with the deadly variety, a simple omelette with these buggers could put an end to breakfast or life forever.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Tash takes her finals in May, business and marketing degree, and has been offered a job at Bergon, the gardening company that has sponsored her throughout her course. Her boyfriend Franklin also works with Bergon, so between the two, mummy gets a damn good discount on sprinkling systems and electric fencing!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Had a golf lesson with Frank last week, told to rotate more, follow through and concentrate! Managed to crack the game after this, for at least 10 minutes, but was then told that Frank was leaving as the golf pro and setting up a restaurant, I can’t have been that bad, surely?

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

So that’s it folks, off now to practice the “follow through”, and I have sent this out to you all on a Sunday night, because it’s either listen to Sunday songs of praise or read my blog with a large glass of wine, have a few giggles and set the week off with the latest from olif.Is there a choice?

All my love

Olif. xxxxxxx

Diversions, Callas

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