Hen night

Posted by on June 18, 2013

Bonjour mes Amies.

The Hen night, the temperature of one’s pool and the outfit for the wedding.

Three weeks to go before the big day, Tash and I head for Birmingham for Tessa’s second hen night.



The first was spent in Las Vegas (as you do nowadays!) with 10 other ladies for 5 days, partying all night and sleeping all day. It was 40degress plus there, and not one of them came back with a sun tan.

Preparing oneself for the Birmingham bash, all the 56 hens were told to wear black, because the Diva was in white, so she could be noticed! I did mention to the team leader, Joss, if she could tell me when, in 29years, was Tess not in the limelight?
Prior to our taxi drive to the nightclub in St Pauls Square, I was telephoned by JS several times as a reminder not to leave the girls sides, only drink white wine, and be in bed by midnight! Carole, my best girlfriend, then rang me to gently remind me that since I was now a French country bumpkin, and truly naïve about the horrors of a Birmingham night club, explained gently, “No shots Vanessa, stick to the same drink all night, and look after your glass at all times, otherwise some goblin may pour something rather distasteful into it, and if all else fails Carole and her man John (ex-police inspector) would rescue me.

By the time we got into the taxi, I was a dithering mess.

“What you need Mum, is a large shot when you arrive, to calm you down!!!!

We arrived; I felt like the backing group for Madonna, all the hens cheered as we stepped out of the taxi, I gave a royal wave and sent kisses to them all, until I was told by Tash to stop behaving ridiculously, pull myself together and act my age!! Difficult when I was surrounded by 56 blonde, hair extensions, 6ft, manicured, the longest eyelashes I have ever seen, and wearing 6inch Christian Louboutin heels. I needed 5 shots at this stage.

The party was in the basement, mental thought (check the exits Olif). Joss had decorated the room beautifully, and handed me a glass of champers, with the warning, stick to this all night VJ, and you will be fine!! I was shadowed throughout the night by my minders, TJ, Tash and J, and had a wonderful time. At 11.30, I thought it was time for the OAP to toddle back home when the stripper arrived, delayed my departure of course, my minders told me to close my eyes, or go to the loo,you MUST be joking!!

Don’t remember a lot about Sunday.


Monday, a 7.45am Monarch flight back from Birmingham to Nice. Doing well, until the security team wanted to check my holdall. No problem, until they discovered The Straw. This little item was placed in each hen glass, and was a rather attractive pink colour, but in the shape of something I don’t have and you guys do!! Well, this exhibit was passed around the entire security staff, I wasn’t sure to feel embarrassed or rather proud of myself, not all oap’s have this sort of thing in their baggage! Finally,this 7ft steroid pumping security guy sent my straw  alone through the X-ray machine for all  airport passengers and staff alike to see.

“Don’t let me see you bringing something like this again through security Mrs Speer, it’s too early in the morning for my staff to have such a laugh!”


Prior to this excitement, Saturday was spent preparing for the “do”. Spray tan, manicure etc. etc, and the compulsory visit to  Mr J. No medical problems, just a good calming cup of coffee before we hit the shops. After chatting to Val (Mrs J ) about the outfit for the mother of the bride, she said she had the perfect coloured hat and two, no less, fascinators that would  complement the outft. Now, we are not talking M&S, or even John Lewis, but the very top of the most fashionionable hat market, think Royalty, and you’re there. The dress and shoes are ok, but this hat is something else. Outfit complete, just need the eyelash extensions!


The hat


Back home.

Pool temperatures.

“So, Vanessa, are you swimming everyday now, level of chlorine ok? And what’s your pool temperature?”

A question asked at luncheon and dinner parties by all your friends at this time of year, and usually by someone who has a heater, and an automatic pool cover.

We have neither. So JS replies very calmly, “I just send Nessie into the pool to check the temperature, using the N.E. method”, pauses, and studies the puzzled faces of the dinner guests,

“If, after a length her nipples are erect, it’s too cold for me to venture in!!”


Talking of pool temperatures, our pool light has broken, so who else to call, but Val in her rubber immersion suit (remember Pool Scuba?), Colin with his expertize on all things that matter, and JS as the assistant. This wretched light is situated in the deep end, and about 3feet under the surface, just too deep to lean over the edge and resolve the problem. Buoyancy is the main hiccup here Einstein Crawford deduces. JS suggests thst since it his pool, he will be the one to be held under the water to try and release the bulb casing. I consult the iPad to check our method is correct, as well as familiarizing myself on the latest CPR!

JS gloves

Ooeerr missus.

KS pool

Right, I’m ready.


The pool temperature is definitely N.E. and JS detests going under water, so, we are doing well! After several attempts, lots of splashing about. Val and Colin hold JS’s head under for several minutes, until we see his little hands waving madly and then going limp, so Colin suggests we should stop nattering and perhaps release him! Getting nowhere, freezing cold, and JS looking definitely blue around the gills, Einstein suggests, the buggers have obviously sealed the unit in with glue…I thought the flailing JS was going to kill him.

JS drowning

Bugg(blub blub)er


The Bat Detector.

Bat Detector Mk 2 Kit 2011 Upgrade!

The bat detector

The bat detector kit


This interesting and absorbing kit helps to detect study and identify bats. It is a “heterodyne” circuit which mixes a tuneable oscillator with ultrasound emitted by bats, to produce an audible output. Thus the ultrasound is processed to generate audio signals which the human ear can detect. 20 to 110kHz tuning range. Front facing loudspeaker output.

Every household should have one!! JS is totally in his element, studying the daily and nightly activities of our 40 plus bats.


So, its farewell from me, and on with the imminent jobs for the day. 30 lengths of the pool, a light breakfast of a croissant or two, 9 holes of golf, a quick sunbathe, and check that my man has completed all the debroussalage, mended the loo, fixed the outdoor light and attached the clock hands to the outside clock!!

It’s a hard life!

All my love

Olif. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


P and J H. so looking forward to seeing you next month, sorry that there was a lack of communication recently, but the Ipad,Iphone,laptop and main computer confuse olif to say the least, oh for a good old fashioned hand written letter!xxx

M&M. over to you my gorgeous BIL,the grammar must be improving now, surely? Impressed with the photo inserts oh mighty one? (YES – Gerbil!)

Tash. a princess, a train cake, or the usual Chippendale for 19/06/2013 ?

TJ. Only 18 days to go Mrs Batchelor.xxxxx

Cag. Wonderfull to see you at TJ’s, gossip, memories and a glass of vino, just like the Priory days. Xxx

K and big man. Got lots of jobbies for when you arrive. Don’t want you lying about enjoying the sunshine. Xxxxxx

Chantal. Thank you so much for the something borrowed, something blue and something old for the wedding. Xx

C&V. what cake do you suggest for the French lesson on Friday, its becoming a little limited nowadays!

Bolli. Can you walk yet, doing your exercises and watch out for the occasional w…!

JP and Tiny. Golf tonight at 6pm? xxxxxxxxxxxx

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