We spent a few days in the UK last week, the usual manic round of family visiting, legal administration,60th birthday party,facial,pedicure and massage, you know, all important stuff!!Anyway, Monday was spent travelling to Bristol to see Mr Molareste,an ENT surgeon who specializes in SNORING!
You are all well aware of the torture Olif has endured on a nightly basis, well, her increasing expertize on the laptop has finally come up trumps.
The Pillar technique.
The word itself brings to mind the possibility of using a pillow at 2am to finally shut up the noise, so I thought to myself, “YES – this could be the answer”, obviously cheap to execute, and I have several Ikea bogofs, so I could destroy all evidence after the deed was done.
The Shire Hospital in Bristol is a posh private affair, who obviously believe in equality, all the receptionists are young nubile men, and the porters are women! I registered JS, because by now he was definitely backing off, and we were shown to Clinic 14, top floor.
If you arrived at any hospital waiting room, you could be unaware of the purpose of the clinic, except of course the orthopaedic one!!(You really would have to be thick here!!)But the Snoring clinic. Well… the walls were covered in posters advertising everything from ear plugs, sleeping tablets, nasal strips, and even counselling!! Exhausted, aged, bags under the eyes, blood shot cornea’s, drooping eyelids, the Partners of the Snorers (POS) meanwhile the Snorers, had bright, shiny twinkling eyes, were alert although a little apprehensive of their fate however!
After 10minutes of silence, I start up a conversation with one of the worst looking POS’s.Well, seconds later the whole lot of POS’s joined in (all women I might add except for one poor chap sitting next to a 20st man/woman, obviously so exhausted he really didn’t care if his wife was cured or not, his sleep deprivation could possibly kill him before he suffocated her!)
We were called in to see Mr Molareste.A charming middle-aged gentleman, who obviously was sympathetic toward the POS’s,looked gentle, wore wonderful aftershave, and had huge blue eyes (it’s the Bristol equivalent to my Mr Jordan)
Our lamb to slaughter was asked his full medical record, JS now takes on the french touch, it took absolutely ages, in fact after 10minutes,mr Molareste told JS that it really was not that necessary to go into detail about his ingrowing toenail at this point of the procedure!
Then comes the practical tests.
We have a high definition 60inch screen in front of us, JS is told to relax (some chance of that)and up goes the longest catheter with camera attached where no man has ever dared to tread, JS’s nostrils. I can honestly say I have never seen such a horrible sight! Particularly hairy, despite an early morning nasal shave with the new Boots trimmer, turbinate bones sticking out everywhere, and it looked as though there had been a rain storm up there!
Lamb to slaughter was then asked to demonstrate a SNORE.
HD TV is attached to surround sound Bang and olufsen speakers (I probably paid towards these!)And away JS went.
80-90 decibels, matching the decibel level of a vacuum cleaner or passing freight train, bellowed through the surround sound, similar to the arrival of a tyrannosaurus Rex from Jurassic park. An absolute record we were told in 35years of ENT work, it almost knocked Mr molareste off his stool! He explains to me that this level of noise may damage the poor partner of the snorers hearing, thus fast becoming an issue for Health and safety!(You can now understand why the clinic is on the top floor, next year it will be on the rooftop!) The consultant looked at me with astonishment and sympathy.
A perfect candidate for the Pillar technique but for immediate results mandibular advancement Device M.A.D prosthesis, herby pushing his jaw forwards, may suffice.
Without delay, a putty type of material is pushed into JS’s mouth, and is to be held here for 4 minutes.
Meanwhile, I introduce my ace card. Tessa, our Speech and Language Therapist’ as a mother I have visions of Tess working privately with the snore clinic and earning loads of dosh so she can send me in my later years to the top French retirement home possibly in Cannes, or equally posh area. However, Tess goes into “voice” anatomical mode with Mr M. and continues by asking the following:
“I have noticed in my clinical practise that laser assisted uvulopalatoplasty has resulted in various presentations of dysphonia-particularly hyponasality, what are your views on this and would this be a potential risk with The Pillar technique?”.
We are just about to launch on the contraindications of laser therapy in the prevention of snoring when we all look back towards the patient! Definitely a blue colour and breathing looked a bit difficult, actually now I come to think of it his eyes were in that sort of panic stare, and his little ankles were swinging up and down in a “Riverdance”motion!
“Right, Mr Speer shall we remove the putty (which by now was fairly rock solid!)
I suppose this method could stop the snoring!
After what seemed an age, and Tess was definitely trying to recount her CPR lecture, the mass erupted from JS’s mouth, much to the relief of all!
By now JS has had enough, he marched straight out of the consulting room, tripping over Tessa’s Armani handbag, and disappeared.
£1000 later, we are to expect the M.A.D. by registered post next week!!
All my Love Olif. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS. thank you so much to all you gardeners for your quick response to my “Bug”situation.We have them well exterminated, and I have Shipman poised by the pot of geraniums ready to attack if any of the buggers reappear.
Mike. The NEW OLIF site is absolutely magnificent, now how do I do the inserts and attachments? And when do I announce the date for the opening of the site and finally will you be with me when I do the book signing session at Waterstones? Xxxxxxx